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To listen to an audio version of this post, visit www.covenantchurch.ca/podcasts/covenant-weekly.

On Sunday, we considered the role of family in our lives - both our family of origin and the family of God that we’ve been brought into. We can’t deny the impact of that first family. With the second, we have a choice about how much we allow it to shape us. This morning, rather than focusing on how we are shaped, I want to spend just a minute encouraging those of us who carry the weight of how we are shaping (or have shaped) the lives of others. That’s in this Covenant Weekly for May 12, 2026.

On Sunday, I talked about some things related to the field of psychology called Attachment Theory. This was a somewhat dangerous thing to do because I am not trained in psychology, let alone this area of psychology specifically. I was borrowing from the work of others. I was trusting that my sources were reliable. And I was hoping that those among us who are trained in these areas wouldn’t graciously come after me following the service. Thankfully, they didn’t!

In one conversation with an expert in this area, they affirmed much of what I shared. And they emphasized something which I only mentioned in passing. That is, that children don’t have a need for perfection from parents. Perfection is impossible, but it also isn’t what is best. The key to building strong, healthy people is actually the process of rupture and repair. That is, recognition when a mistake has been made and harm has been done and doing what is necessary to bring repair to that place.

The first time I engaged with the long term impact of our family of origin my first thought was, “I can blame my parents for everything!” My second thought was, “Oh no! What kind of damage am I causing in my kids!”

I’ve moved past blaming my parents. I now try to be honest about their impact, as best I can be aware, while being empathetic to their efforts. I have a harder time being gracious with myself as I become aware of how I have harmed, and continue to harm, my own kids. When awareness of my failures become apparent, I find it easy to move to defensiveness - working hard to excuse my actions or downplay them. And if I don’t do that, it is easy for me to slide into a place of shame - not wanting to name what I’ve done because I find it hard to be honest about it.

The invitation of God, which I’ve been helped to see more clearly through those who’ve done great work in this area, is to embrace that perfection isn’t the goal. True failure isn’t when I mess up or harm someone else. It isn’t the rupture. The failure really comes when I refuse to acknowledge the mistake or harm and, as a result, don’t do the hard, uncomfortable, and awkward work of pursuing repair. That leaves the wound open and festering - sometimes for decades. And the longer it is left unaddressed, the harder it is to address, the more it will spill into other areas of life, and the more time it will take to heal.

Our God is a God of healing, reconciliation, and restoration. We are invited to join God in that work. And for many of us it starts at home. It is true that it takes two to bring full healing in a relationship, but may we receive encouragement to do our part in pursuit of it. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:2) This won’t erase the impact of past wounds, but it can form a different relational future.

I’ve seen the beauty of relationships restored between parents and children beginning when one has made the courageous step to acknowledge their part in a rupture and begin to pursue repair. It is a beautiful thing! (I’ve seen those attempts rebuffed, too. Which is hard, but at least it cracks the door open. Sometimes deep wounds take time to even name, let alone heal - decades even.  There isn’t a shortcut on this. Despite what some of us were taught, simply saying “Sorry” doesn’t undo the damage done.)

My point here is one of hope. I am far from a perfect parent. None of us are perfect. But grace, forgiveness, truth, compassion, and love are God’s way. As parents (and grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends, and people in community together), we are invited to join God in this way as we acknowledge our imperfections, receive God’s love in those difficult places, and from a place of security in Christ, to pursue repair of the rupture with our kids and others we’ve wounded - no matter how old they are. It isn’t easy. We aren’t promised easy. But we, individually and together, will be stronger for it!